356.Wishes to not become a hoarder

I assume as knowledgeable readers that you have seen the appropriately titled film “An Education” and will have memorised that scene in which an enthusiastic Jenny bubbles “I’m going to read what I want. And listen to what I want. And I’m going to look at paintings. And watch French films. And I’m gonna talk to people who know lots about lots.” I assume such things because I assume you are knowledgeable and youthful, and like me, related to the character of Jenny. Maybe even like me the lingering last notations of your diary entries bubble with similar wishes to spend a lifetime reading books in a quest to know lots about lots, and finally become the culturally cultivated individual you have always envisioned yourself as in the future.

Knowledge is most definitely a noble and just generally lovely pursuit. I have always loved the classroom, the ability to collect knowledge, and the ensuing spilling of trivia to friends and family, however wishing to become the embodiment of knowledge (aka Stephen Fry) alone is unworthy, despite my mother's ‘knowledge is power’ lectures. Knowledge is merely a tool, and should not be hoarded, unused in the desolate junk yards of our brains. You quite rightly may say knowledge has helped me understand the world and myself, and to write these reflections on knowledge itself, yet I still feel that my younger attitude towards it needs rethinking, with these few proposals:

-That I must not needlessly collect knowledge for the sake of an undusted collection.

-That I wish to be valued on what I do rather than what I know and that at the moment I’m rather lacking in the first category of doing.

-That we should give this opportunity to others, and remove this "hipster" (I dislike that word) attitude of valuation by pop culture reference.

And that I apologise for assuming that you are worthy readers if you have viewed the film "An Education". 

 Sofie

camping trip a year on

Dear Sofie,

I am feeling rather nostalgic and blue-sey about the existence of your blog. I hate to read and look at you a year older and wish to be you. I wish to be old Sofie. But old Sofie, you were not really more proactive were you? Just because you kept a blog? The truth is you were. You did more, you somehow managed to balance blogging with schoolwork and you were not consumed by fear/boredem/pity. You were not the neutral slob of goo that you have become in recent months. You were not floating in your own bubble of shit, merely consuming your own shitty thoughts, untill the shittiness became normal, became your polluted atmosphere.

You had people responding to you, appearing to care about the things you wrote, a small audience of readers that you could engage with. You've forgotten how rewarding that was, and forgotten to be grateful and humbled by their kind, thoughtful comments.

You've gotten so far into your own head, that you've stopped doing.
Yes, over the past year you did schoolwork, you showed a basic level of passion for the lessons you sat through, you worked hard to get some grades.
Then again, maybe it goes much further back.You had a lot more passion as a child, and now you have few to no passions or atleast have not helped them grow.Hard stubby seeds, this has become the winter of your life. But the season is summer, and theres nothing stopping you but yourself. The blog is a harsh reminder, but also a comforting one. You did it once, you can do it again.

Love 18 year old Sofie